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Everytime... [10 Mar 2009|06:53pm]
No matter what I do, I can't get him out of me. It has been a year and a half and I still feel the pain that was caused. Watching Good Will Hunting, I see Matt Damon tell Minnie Drive he doesn't love her and she falls apart. Suddenly I feel a pang in my chest and all I want to do is cry and be alone. When does the pain go away? Does the pain ever really go away? Because I can move, I can breathe, I can be happy, which is a lot to say since a year ago i couldn't do any of these. How does one fall in love again when they still feel the pain of a lost lover.
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Face from the past... [17 May 2008|11:02pm]
So I ran in to someone who is from my past today, and not a good someone either.

I saw him and I was suddenly taken back to all the tears and fears he put me though. I froze and literally was scared half to death. I didn't want him to recognize me. I've been living with him as a ghost for three years now, I don't know what I would do if he said something to me.

Eventually I got the courage and just ran away. What do I do though if I see him again? I can't be afraid all the time. I know I should have taken care of this a long time ago. It's gotten to the point where I can't even talk to people that have his name, not that it's common or anything.

I know I try and act like I'm a strong person who isn't afraid of anything, but he scares the shit out of me. Out of everything that has ever happened to me, he is the one thing I regret. I wish I would have listened to my friends. I wish I would have never gone to his house. And I wish I was strong enough to handle this.

Even now, just thinking about him sends chills down my spine and makes me feel anxious. It makes me feel sick to think of what he did to me, what he took from me.

I'm going to be honest with you, what he did to me has ruined me. I can't be with another guy without thinking he might do something to me. And when I finally do have a guy, I assume that sex is the answer to everything and use it to solve any problems. What kind of resolution is that? I used to be so good with relationship and advice and understand guys, but now I can't. It's like he fried the piece of my brain that understood guys.

I don't know anymore. I thought I was fine. I thought I was happy and had everything figured out. But I don't. I was even talking to a couple of guys who seemed pretty interested in me, and now I feel like I'm just pushing them away.

I know this may sound like I'm just being over-dramatic, but I'm convinced that that event fucked me up emotionally. I am a wreck and right now all I wanna do is crawl under my covers and cry.

I'm sorry, but I needed to let this out. Thanks for listening.
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Closing Statement [27 Apr 2008|03:04pm]
I've decided I'm going to write a book.
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If only... [18 Nov 2007|01:51am]
If I had time to write a million words about my life, I'd do it.

If I had time to write a million songs to bring you back, I'd sing them, loud and proud.

But guess what?

No matter how much I want to be with you, no matter how much I love what we used to be and what we represented, I can't bring that back. That is a thing of the past. It is what it is and I can't make it any better.

But even though I can feel it my heart how much i miss you, my brain is in control right now, and it says to stay away. And this has to be a good thing. I haven't cried in almost a month. That's amazing, considering I was crying almost every other day when I was with you. While I believe that what we had was real, I also believe that i deserve to be happy, and you can't give that to me.

So you know what I'm doing? I'm going out on dates. I'm meeting new guys and smiling and flirting. I'm not doing this because I want to make you jealous, or because I need a rebound. I'm doing this because I need to feel good about myself again. I need to remember who I was before I met you and who I am now, and see if those two people can mesh together.

I am thankful for having you in my life. I have grown up so much and now, I am finally a girl that I approve of, and who other people approve of. I actually get compliments now and all kinds of people are attracted to my personality.

But enough about you.

I'm having surgery to remove, what they think could be breast or skin cancer. And, due to recent developments, I may need more surgery for what they think is definitely skin cancer. And yeah, I know it sucks, but I'm fine and I'm not worried at all. Within the past year I've lost my virginity, got pregnant, got dumped, had a miscarriage. It seems like this is the final step in my long battle with bad luck this year.

However, it is the end of the year, and things could only start looking up. It is almost Christmas, I've made tons of new close friends that I adore, and I get to see my family this week because of christmas.

So Cheers! to family, friends, and hopefully a string of good luck for me. I did get pulled over today but got off with a warning, so perhaps my luck is starting to change after all.

Oh, and if life were a dream, I would be marrying Shia Lebeuf
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My poor lj world, I haven't updated you on my life [03 Jan 2007|12:20pm]
Currently, I am attending CMU. I'm having the time of my life with my new and old friends up there. As scared as I was that I would lose all my old friends when we split up, I quickly learned that that would be impossible. I've been hanging out with two of my besst friends, Sarah and Dani, and my Big bro, John Leech. Those three were some of the ones i was afraid to lose and I'm glad I didn't. Oh yeah, I also have a boyfrien (I know, it's hard to believe). We've been dating for 5 months and I'm crazy about him. I turn 19 in a few days so I'm looking forward to that. Classes at school went well. I passed my classes. I'm going to be taking a couple classes at MCC over the summer so I may be able to graduate in 4 years. Oh, in case you didn't know, I'm going into teaching. So i'll be going to school for the rest of my life, but thats ok. I don't mind it. Let's see, I also work at Coldstone now when I come home. I finally got rid of McDonalds. Yay! There's really nothing else to talk about. I have become obsessed with the nintendo Wii and i'm thinking about buying it when i get my paycheck, but i'm not sure lol. Anyways, enjoy your day LJ world!

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songs [29 Oct 2006|11:49pm]
it's amazing how songs can affect a person. I was just thinking about the past, and how it's affected me, then the song Cancer - My Chemical Romance comes on. Gerrad talks about how people who have had cancer and how it affects your life, which is exactly what I had been thinking about. It really helped raise my spirits at the time and let me know that I'm not alone.
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It's been awhile.. [13 Oct 2006|09:29pm]
I'm really sick of being pushed around and stepped on. I realize that I'm nice but you don't have to walk all over me and feel like shit. When I buy you lunch, is it too much to expect you to eat it with me, instead of taking it and walking down to the guys room down the hall? When I let you sleep and be quiet and tell others to be quiet, is too much to ask you to show the same curtosy to me? When I wait hours for you to be ready to go to dinner or lunch, is it too much to ask you to wait one hour for me? Is it too much for you to spend just a little bit of time with me? Seriously.
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Might as well let the livejournal world know too [05 Apr 2006|09:59pm]
SO right after school i was driving down County line. The person in front of Megan Leech (who was in front of me) braked really hard. Causing her to brake hard, which caused me to brake hard. I barely tap her and pray to god that she doesn't mind. Suddenly. BOOM! Three crashes immediately follow. I get out of my car, run to the back and see that it's prety much undriveable. I start hyperventalting and crying hysterically. First I call colleen to tell her I would be late for work, then my parents, my sister, and finally my best friends (jare and erica). Then I realize who was involved in it. Me, Megan Leech, Kyle and Dani, and then other people behind Kyle who I didn't know. It was nice to know though that I was surrounded by friends and not alone. After I called my sister she rushed to the scene and stayed with me til it was over. Mom came up and let me take her car (since mine was towed) and I went to work. After two hours of work (and a nice meal from Brandon from McDonalds) I was sent home to go to the doctors office. After an hour and a half of that, they let me go and get my prescription. After I filled that I decided I deserved ice cream where I saw Megan Leech again. We talked more about the accident. Wahoo. I can't wait for everything to be over with and for me to have my car back. I now have no car and a work note saying I can't work. Great.
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Just one thing... [01 Apr 2006|08:08am]
Chesterfield Police Station
April Fools
Drunk Driving

All of those words were used today between 3:30 and 4:15 causing me to lose sleep and feel nausiated today. Score.
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Play me a memory... [25 Mar 2006|10:47am]
I'm having a difficult time grasping the fact that I'm a senior this year and that in less then two months, I won't have a place to go to during the week. I'm having a hard time grasping the fact that after this summer, it's all over. I'm so excited for college, but I'm so scared of growing up. Being by yourself. Getting a career. A home. I know all that is farther away but it's coming close. After college I have to join the real world. I have to work instead of doing my perfectly lazy job I have right now. I'll probably end up losing most or even all of my friends. I think thats what scares me the most about college. Sarah's going off to UofM. Bryn's off to Oakland. Dani's off to Eastern. Jeff's off to Macomb. Jare's off to State. John's of to Lake Superior State. April's off to the Navy. Amanda is off to Ferris. Carrie's off to Northern. Bethany's off to UofM. Erica and I are going to CMU. But everyone else I talk to or hang out with are gone. It makes me less anxious to graduate.
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Goodbye to you.... [11 Mar 2006|07:50am]
Goodbye livejournal world! I'm off to Florida for a week and a half.

See you on the flip side.
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I'm on the verge... [05 Mar 2006|09:23pm]
Sitting at home today was very relaxing. But it let me think alot.

My life is like the movies when it comes to boysCollapse )
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If you were cool... [05 Mar 2006|06:10pm]
You would do this...Collapse )
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[01 Mar 2006|08:51pm]

*phew* I feel better now.

So lately I've been having...decision making issues. And I finally came to the conclusion that I'm just afraid to be happy. So I've decided from now on that I'm going to let myself be happy for once.
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[26 Feb 2006|03:58pm]
I am amazed at how so much pain can make a little girl like me so happy.

Tattoos with BrynCollapse )
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[11 Feb 2006|06:49pm]
Thursday night I was proposed to.

Thinking it was a joke I said "If you buy me a ring"

His reply, "I get paid on Sunday. You'll have your ring the next time I see you."

Unfortunately, I do not have romantic feelings for this guy, nor do I feel like getting married anytime soon.

So how do I fix this situation?
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Hells yeah [06 Feb 2006|06:51pm]
Erica, Ashana, and I shall be leaving April 15, 2006 to head out to L.A. , California.

We shall also be there there til the April 22. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome.

So let's see.

February 22- February 24 Mid-Winter Break

March 11- March 21 Florida with the family

That following week is Meap week with delayed start

April 1 - Motion City Soundtrack Concert

April 13 - Matchbook Romance Concert

April 15 - April 22 - California

April 29 - Marysville Prom

May 13 - Anchor Bay Prom

May 23 - Chorale Audition/CMU Orientation

May 26 - Last Day of High School

June 4 - Graduation Day

June 17 - Graduation Party

August 24 - Moving in Day

These upcoming months are going to be amazing.
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[02 Feb 2006|06:22pm]
Dear God,

Please don't take away the only grand parent I have left.

Love always,

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I don't understand [02 Feb 2006|05:47am]
Apparantly I look like the following people:

Keneth Branagh Image hosting by Photobucket
Jennifer Lopez Image hosting by Photobucket
Elizabeth Taylor Image hosting by Photobucket
Juan Pablo Montoya Image hosting by Photobucket
Margaret Mitchell Image hosting by Photobucket
Ariel Sharon Image hosting by Photobucket
Eminem Image hosting by Photobucket
Beniot Mandelbrot Image hosting by Photobucket
Sandra Bullock Image hosting by Photobucket
Camillia Park Bowles Image hosting by Photobucket

I tend to disagree.
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I'm not going to lie [27 Jan 2006|10:03pm]
I'm extremely excited for tomorrow...

Working 8-1:30...Giving my Michael Phelps Posters to the swim team and getting them signed :-D

Then around 4, I'm off to pick up Stephanie and meet Bridgette out by Lakeside, which from there we shall head out to a helicopter ride. Which I am so excited for.

After that, we might stop off at some bar and then hopefully eric's shows.

Tomorrow shall hopefully be a good day.

So yeah. You're jealous about my day.

Oh and P.S.

Sunday is definetly my last day working at McDonalds.
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